Global Underscore

I feel so calm at peace right now.  Grounded.  I’d gone to the Global Underscore in Buffalo, my first global one, and the journey over those 4 hours was intensely beautiful.  I came in feeling rather drained and not sure how much I wanted to be near people.  Which is an interesting headspace to be in when you’re going to be doing contact improvisation.

These last couple weeks and the last few days in particular have been both amazing and overwhelming.  I knew coming back to the US would be a process.  The culture shock alone knocked me on my ass.  And then there’s the personal reaction with friends and family.  Life has continued on without me; dynamics have changed.  It’s all for the better but still an adjustment.  So much being thrown at me that the energy to deal is taking its toll.  I have to make sure my self-care is strong and consistent.

So back to the Global Underscore.  I arrived in the space unsure how my current emotional state and the environment would mesh.  I requested during opening circle to have some personal grounding time (a chance to arrive in the space) before we began triad body work.  The group was incredibly open and receptive to the ideas being given.  It allowed me a feeling of safety and acceptance as I explored my reactions.

The Underscore was grounding, allowing me to release into the moment.  Initially my body felt so heavy.  How do I work with movement in relation to this physical (and probably emotional) state?  This was first my struggle and then my triumph.  To release into what the body was feeling.  Demanding.  Forcing no movement and keeping it authentic to inner and outer stimuli.  

As I found the balance of grounding myself and relating to others in the space through a safe connection, I explored point of contact more than I ever had before.  Many of my dances in the past center around the push and pull of weight bearing.  There is more tumbling, lifting, posting, jumping...instead this became the hand dance using my entire body.  There was more exploration of the space between contact.  It continued to be dynamic which initially surprised me.

Throughout the jam there was also a recurring motion of shaking and tapping.  Stimulating shaking in others, tapping the ground, creating energy currents through multiple bodies.  It would rise and fall in diads and triads with others from the Underscore joining in for moments.  It reminded me of kundalini meditation aka the shaking meditation.  The idea of shaking your body to drum up energy, drum out thought, and just be present in your body with this sole action.

At the end of the session, I found myself more energetic and present in my space.  I wasn’t ready to run a marathon, but I felt filled.  Satiated.  I feel truly blessed to have been part of this group for the Global Underscore.  The safe container allowed me to release myself into the space.  To be truly authentic in the exploration my body’s reactions throughout this process.  Thank you everyone who was a part of this.  I am so incredibly grateful.

A glimpse of our Global Underscore setup

**Please note all photos are property of Kira Zebroski**

Deep Breaths

As I sit here typing this post, finishing my tea, and enjoying wonderful company, I just experienced a moment of gratefulness.  Grateful to be on this island.  Grateful to be a part of this school.  Grateful to be in this familial community where I can process and fully be in the moment with my emotions.

Life is always full of ups and downs and this period in my life is no exception.  I've hit a particularly rough patch, but the universe has a way of helping you be in the right conditions to deal with it (the caveat of course being that you are willing to access those resources).  I know if I'd been in the default world, I would have bottled everything up and tucked it away with the intent of dealing with it later...if at all.  And it would have fermented and festered until one day the pressure would grow too great and it would explode, burning all those around me with it's acidity.

But luckily I'm NOT in the default world.  Or rather, my default world has become a tropical island with people all around me actively striving to heal and open themselves up to the present moment.  To teach others to do the same.  Including me.  I'm learning how to be open to the emotions my body wants to feel right now.  Cleanse.  Reconnect.  Be at peace.  I can't say the process is pretty but in those moments I truly give myself over to the experience, there is beauty in the upheaval.

But why write about all this right now?  Well, I had one of those messy, soul-cleansing experiences tonight and with all the rawness and vulnerability that went along with it, I need to process and I want to share this with others i.e. you all.

I had a good friend at Burning Man introduce me to the importance of deep breathing.  Accessing the full range of our breath both on the exhale and the inhale.  I learned that when I access this extra portion of my lungs, I burp.  It became a bit of a running joke but also an indication of when I'd hit a particularly deep moment and released myself fully into an experience.  Arriving onto Koh Phangan and taking some of the workshops here, I was able to continue my work on the deep breath.

But lately I haven't been able to access that extra portion.  In fact, I've felt a massive blockage to a large portion of my breath.  And I've been fighting with both the reasons behind this blockage and my body's response to this blockage.  I've felt disconnected from my body in about every way possible, something I haven't experienced this fully since my college days.  And all these wonderful workshops I'd been participating in seemed to only further point out my failure to reach that breath and instead express emotions I didn't want to feel.  I was out of my body and in my head, the exact opposite of where I needed to be.  To say I was frustrated would be a gross understatement.  I wanted to be better, and I wanted to be better NOW!

After talking with a mentor about meditation and some of the frustrations I'd been feeling, it was decided I would take all the classes specifically involving deep breathing.  And I found myself in the sudarsan kryia class aka the toilet paper class.  It was uncomfortable.  It was awkward.  And there were moments I didn't think I could take another breath.  But as the chanting continued and our teacher pushed us to give it our all ("if not now, when?!), I felt something inside my chest loosen.  And what happened?  I felt these massive bubbles of air rise up out of my chest.  I burped!  I don't know if those around me heard and I can't say that I really cared.  I was so grateful in that moment to be accessing the deep breaths I'd missed so dearly.  I'd been given the tools, assistance, and push to let my body experience all the messy, ugly, unwanted emotions it needed to feeling.  And in doing so, I was more ME than I'd been recently.

As the class came to a close, I was inclined to retreat into myself and process this experience on my own.  Lick my clean but open wounds in private.  But people were open and inviting to continue our connection and I was slowly coaxed out of my protective shell.  I was given the encouragement to continue that vulnerability with safe people.  And this is how I found myself drinking wonderful tea, sharing music that touches the soul, and energy that warms the heart.  I can't access that extra portion of my breath right now but I find I'm not as worried.  It will come with time, love, and patience.

I am truly grateful for all that has been brought into my life.  The good and the bad.  The beautiful and the ugly.  I'm truly reminded how life takes us on a path of lessons.  The question is whether we are willing to learn what it can teach us?

Photo property of Kira Zebroski