Deep Breaths

As I sit here typing this post, finishing my tea, and enjoying wonderful company, I just experienced a moment of gratefulness.  Grateful to be on this island.  Grateful to be a part of this school.  Grateful to be in this familial community where I can process and fully be in the moment with my emotions.

Life is always full of ups and downs and this period in my life is no exception.  I've hit a particularly rough patch, but the universe has a way of helping you be in the right conditions to deal with it (the caveat of course being that you are willing to access those resources).  I know if I'd been in the default world, I would have bottled everything up and tucked it away with the intent of dealing with it later...if at all.  And it would have fermented and festered until one day the pressure would grow too great and it would explode, burning all those around me with it's acidity.

But luckily I'm NOT in the default world.  Or rather, my default world has become a tropical island with people all around me actively striving to heal and open themselves up to the present moment.  To teach others to do the same.  Including me.  I'm learning how to be open to the emotions my body wants to feel right now.  Cleanse.  Reconnect.  Be at peace.  I can't say the process is pretty but in those moments I truly give myself over to the experience, there is beauty in the upheaval.

But why write about all this right now?  Well, I had one of those messy, soul-cleansing experiences tonight and with all the rawness and vulnerability that went along with it, I need to process and I want to share this with others i.e. you all.

I had a good friend at Burning Man introduce me to the importance of deep breathing.  Accessing the full range of our breath both on the exhale and the inhale.  I learned that when I access this extra portion of my lungs, I burp.  It became a bit of a running joke but also an indication of when I'd hit a particularly deep moment and released myself fully into an experience.  Arriving onto Koh Phangan and taking some of the workshops here, I was able to continue my work on the deep breath.

But lately I haven't been able to access that extra portion.  In fact, I've felt a massive blockage to a large portion of my breath.  And I've been fighting with both the reasons behind this blockage and my body's response to this blockage.  I've felt disconnected from my body in about every way possible, something I haven't experienced this fully since my college days.  And all these wonderful workshops I'd been participating in seemed to only further point out my failure to reach that breath and instead express emotions I didn't want to feel.  I was out of my body and in my head, the exact opposite of where I needed to be.  To say I was frustrated would be a gross understatement.  I wanted to be better, and I wanted to be better NOW!

After talking with a mentor about meditation and some of the frustrations I'd been feeling, it was decided I would take all the classes specifically involving deep breathing.  And I found myself in the sudarsan kryia class aka the toilet paper class.  It was uncomfortable.  It was awkward.  And there were moments I didn't think I could take another breath.  But as the chanting continued and our teacher pushed us to give it our all ("if not now, when?!), I felt something inside my chest loosen.  And what happened?  I felt these massive bubbles of air rise up out of my chest.  I burped!  I don't know if those around me heard and I can't say that I really cared.  I was so grateful in that moment to be accessing the deep breaths I'd missed so dearly.  I'd been given the tools, assistance, and push to let my body experience all the messy, ugly, unwanted emotions it needed to feeling.  And in doing so, I was more ME than I'd been recently.

As the class came to a close, I was inclined to retreat into myself and process this experience on my own.  Lick my clean but open wounds in private.  But people were open and inviting to continue our connection and I was slowly coaxed out of my protective shell.  I was given the encouragement to continue that vulnerability with safe people.  And this is how I found myself drinking wonderful tea, sharing music that touches the soul, and energy that warms the heart.  I can't access that extra portion of my breath right now but I find I'm not as worried.  It will come with time, love, and patience.

I am truly grateful for all that has been brought into my life.  The good and the bad.  The beautiful and the ugly.  I'm truly reminded how life takes us on a path of lessons.  The question is whether we are willing to learn what it can teach us?

Photo property of Kira Zebroski

Month 1

It's hard to believe my first month in Thailand and abroad is coming to a close.  Yes, I did say first month.  I'm heading to Penang, Malaysia tomorrow to get a proper tourist visa and will be back in Thailand for the near future.  Where am I exactly?  I'm currently on Koh Phangan, an island on the southeastern part of Thailand.  I've been here for the past 2 and a half weeks and am looking to stay for at least the next 6 months.  I managed to find some great work exchange with a health and wellness school called Samma Karuna and will be helping with their publicity and PR.

www.maps-thailand.com

As I look over this last month, I want to share with you all some things I've learned.  Some of them are little gems shared with me and others I've learned for myself.

• Internet is incredibly easy to access just about anywhere you want it.  Quality of connection is another matter.
• If you don't know what to order, pad thai is always a safe bet.
• If you're wearing giant army boots, it's a given that you're a tourist.
• Be sure you have a 3-prong adapter with you, especially when you discover your computer happens to need one.
• Deer can open up tent doors.  And if you try and lock it, they will just tear a hole in your tent.
• There are dirty old men no matter what country you're in.
• If you order buckets (picture beer in a pitcher but rather cocktails in a small kid's sand bucket), be prepared for an epic night.
• I CAN survive on a scooter going up and down steep hills.  I can even give a friend a ride!
• I have the capacity to love and be loved.
• The gecko/lizards make cool clicking noises that also sync with their tail movements.
• Jellyfish stings only hurt for a couple of hours.  About 10 days later they also itch like mad!
• If you put your needs out into the universe, it will meet those needs.  It just may take some time and down a different path than you expected.  (I know I learned this at Burning Man, but it's nice to know it also happens off the Playa).
• Buddhist chanting is beautiful....but not at 3 am.
• If you want to travel somewhere quickly, take the bus.  If you want to travel somewhere and meet a lot of cool people, take the train.
• There are two kinds of Thai food: "It's good for you to eat" or "You don't eat that".
• You may be the tourist, but locals like to take pictures of the oddities i.e. YOU, just as much as you do.
• If you love someone enough, their happiness becomes so important to you that you're willing to let them go in order to ensure their happiness.
• Don't be afraid to climb the boulders; you never know what you'll discover on the other side.
• Sometimes finding the perfect spot to watch the sunset is the biggest challenge you'll face for the day.
• Don't bother wearing a watch on an island.
• 7/11's in Thailand are like Starbucks in the US.  They also sometimes give you your change back in stamps.
• The Irish can say any curse word and make it sound cool.
• If you drink it, it comes with a straw (or a glass...or both).
• Sometimes you just need to go for a walk.

But most important of all.

Don't forget to just be in the moment.  Take it one day, one minute, one second at a time.  Plans change but new doors always open.  It's up to you to walk through them.

Photo property of Kira Zebroski

My awesome wander-nut from Burning Man.  It's been through a lot.