After another rejection, I hit my breaking point. Tears started to come and I just needed to get away. I was frustrated, tired, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the house and fiddle on the computer. I told Tim since he was going to paint, I was going to keep biking. He could tell I was upset; I wouldn’t look at him. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. He pushed and I repeated myself a bit firmer and kept riding, telling him I’d see him in a few hours. I knew he’d be concerned but I needed the space. True to it, he tried to ask me what was wrong when I got back, expectantly waiting for an answer. I told him I still needed space and still didn’t want to talk about it. I feel like I should feel guilty but I know that’s not true. And it’s another emotion I’m battling with. Guilt.
I went riding for a while, not really sure where I was heading. I just needed to move and be out, let my brain have a rest. It tends to figure itself out more easily when I’m moving. I didn’t feel the need to expel large amounts of energy. If anything I felt tired. I stumbled upon a labyrinth and it was exactly what I needed. In a marshy area by the creek, it’s raw setup appealed to my jumbled brain. I parked the bike, dropped the bag, and just walked.
I don't know if you’ve ever been in a labyrinth, but it’s meant to be a meditative practice. Focusing on your breath and steps, letting your body relax. There was a dedication stone at the mouth of the labyrinth and it’s words brought tears to my eyes. It spoke of release and remembering hope. I felt like it was written for this very moment of my life.
As I walked, tears fell and dried. Breath hitched and evened out. Steps felt surer as I progressed. I arrived at the center, took a deep breath, and sat down. I felt calmer. Ready to sort through my problems and try to come up with some solutions.
I thought of Tim and our relationship and the stress it was causing me. I’m couchsurfing at his house, but I am beginning to feel like I am mooching off of his good graces. I am feeling like I am receiving more than I am giving and that’s not a comfortable feeling for me. A vulnerable and dependent feeling. I feel like our relationship is unbalanced and this has been causing me stress.
The other stressor is money. But what about it is causing me stress? I don’t need a lot and true enough I’ve lived on less. But it goes to two concerns: the feeling of contribution (or lack) to the household with Tim and saving for my next destination. I have a finite time to make money here and Japan is expensive. Time is shrinking and I’m feeling the pressure. Watching time slip away as I think of all the work I could be doing and therefore the money I could be making.
I realized I am doing everything I can. I need to not lose heart and trust that something will come up. To continue to explore the options I find and know things will work out. I made a list in my head of a few things I could do and to promise myself I’d follow through with them.
I reaffirmed my wish I’d discovered in the labyrinth and wrote it on the discarded resume from earlier. Strung it up on some empty yarn and I was ready. Getting back on the bike I left the creek path and meandered my way back to the house. I knew the first thing I needed to do when I got back was write everything down. To physicalize my realization and cement my affirmation of acceptance and patience. And now I have.
UPDATE: I wrote this post about two weeks ago. I'm happy to say I've found a job since then, albeit only a 6 week contract. I'm just happy to be working. Cheers everyone!!!
**Please Note: All photos are property of Kira Zebroski**
No comments:
Post a Comment